Character Interview with–

—Rrrooooossssseeee

**Cringes** Yes, Lady Olivia. How can I help you?

I’ve come for my interview.

But today isn’t your interview.

It is now.

And why do you want an interview?

Because I am betrothed to Arid Alex, am I not?

Yes, you are.

Then as his future wife—and baroness—I do believe I deserve an interview as well.

A-all right… Ahem, Olivia, what is on your foot?

Oh, that doxie of a cousin you gave me broke my foot.

Pardon?

Rose, if you have trouble hearing might I suggest an ear scoop.

A what?

**Yells** See what I mean? You are in desperate need of having your ears cleaned out. You should call the physician to over to use his ear scoop to clean out all the wax and dirt in there.

**Curls lips** That sounds rather disgusting, no thank you.

Suit yourself, I suppose. If having dirt and wax clog up your ears so much you cannot hear then I guess that’s your decision.

Olivia, here in the year 2011, we have things called Q-tips, thank you. They are not nearly as disgusting and one can use them by themselves so nobody else has to see anything.

But what’s the fun in that? **Sniffs** Didn’t you know half the fun of requiring medical attention of some sort is to amaze others.

Amaze others?

Yes, amaze others. The physician always says he’s amazed at what he digs out of my ear with the ear scoop.

Olivia, answer honestly, do you put things into your ear for the physician to scoop out?

**Cackles**

All righty then. Moving on. Wait. If half the fun of requiring medical attention is to amaze—or disgust—people, what’s the other half of the “fun”?

Being showered with attention, of course.

Of course. And do you think Mr. Banks is the kind to shower you with attention?

He better be.

Or what?

Or he’ll wish he had.

Olivia, I’m going to tell you a little secret about your fiance–and I’m using that term very loosely. He’s nice enough, but I don’t see him as the sort who’ll constantly shower you with sympathetic attention or be amazed at what the physician pulls out of your ear with the ear scoop.

**Pouts briefly—then sighs** I guess I’ll just have to show him what comes out of the tooth picker then!

Olivia, that is absolutely disgusting! I don’t even know what to say to that.

**Good** I’m satisfied then.

Satisfied?

Yes, satisfied. My work here is done.

Excuse me? I thought you wanted an interview.

No. Not really. I just wanted to ruin your plans at interviewing Marcus and say something outrageous to make both you and your readers cringe.

Yes, I suppose you did accomplish your goals.

Exactly. So now I can be on my way out.

Not so fast. You may be accustomed to getting your way back in 1814, but you will not be pulling another stunt like this, do you understand?

Or what?

Or I’l marry you off to the local smithy! That’s what.

You wouldn’t.

Try me.

**Huffs** Your threats don’t cow me. I’ll do exactly as I please. You just see if I don’t.

I’m sure you will, but just remember, for every action there is an opposite but equal reaction.

What on Earth does that mean?

It means there are consequences for everything you do.

Truly Rose, couldn’t you have just come out and said that?

I could have, yes. But it was much more fun to word it that way.

You just are much of a dullard as Caroline with all her scientific nonsense. **shudders** I cannot stand her and all her talk of pastrami and biography.

Do you mean astronomy and biology?

Yes. That’s what I said.

Of course you did. **mutters** And I’m the best writer who ever put pen to paper.

All your scenes with me in them are good.

I think that depends on who you ask and exactly how you define good.

You know, I think it’s time I head back. I just had a brilliant idea and I cannot wait to tell Caroline.

Dare I ask–

No you may not ask what the brilliant idea is.

Good, because I wasn’t. I was going to ask if you hurt yourself thinking of it.

**Scowls** You think you’re funny, don’t you? Well, just for that remark, I’ll make sure to be on my most wretched behavior all during your next book.

If that’s how you feel you need to be, then do so. Just remember what I said about the smithy…

**Sticks tongue out and hobbles away**

Well, I’d apologize for the ruined interview today, but I’m afraid we might have more of those in the near future. With any luck I’ll be able to get Marcus, Lord Sinclair here tomorrow without any incident.

 

[NOTE: As archeologists have dug up abandoned well sites around Jamestowne—the first town the colonists actually got to grow and survive—they’ve found all sorts of everyday items some of the English brought with them. One such thing was an ear scoop, tooth picker combo.  So no, for as much as my imagination sometimes runs rampant while writing, this was not something I made up. Gross, eh? (I almost posted a picture, but couldn’t bring myself to do that, if you’re truly interested, google it.)]